I have too much coming at me right now. It's a constant stream of endless opinions and thoughts and feelings and information and anger and just everything all at once. I can't handle this anymore.
A fight on my Facebook about gun control. Who's wrong and who's right? I'm fucking right because in my brain, that's how I feel. Who the fuck are you to come into my space and tell me I am wrong?
A fight on LSG about flu vaccinations. I am ROASTED and made to feel like shit because I don't get them. Everyone else's reasons for getting the vaccine is right, I am completely wrong, no questions asked. The mods don't even give a fuck.
I can't go anywhere anymore. All I do is complain when I do land somewhere. I hate myself, the furnace is broken and we don't have the money to fix it, a winter storm is moving in, I hate myself, guns guns guns guns, rights, fuck. I am tired of fighting.
Earlier today, Kevin Smith posted that part of Hollywood was shut down because of an attempted suicide. He tweeted a picture of the person on the roof of a tall building, with a big inflatable mattress ting on the ground below. My first thought was: Why can't they just let them be? Why can't someone just be left alone?
I'm not saying that people don't deserve a special kind of attention when they are in that state. I'm not getting into that. What I am getting into is that once someone has made the decision, why can't people just let them be? The decision has been made. If you have never been in that place, never felt that helpless, then I can't help you to understand. But how someone feels afterward, how they feel when suddenly all of the attention is on them, the guilt they feel for making people worry, for hurting people, the shame they have afterward, the hurt and the pain and the absolute hopelessness coming back from an attempt... Sometimes I think it would just be better if they were left alone.
There is a forest in Japan where people go to kill themselves. People walk in with a rope leading out of the forest so they can either find their way back out if they don't, or so their bodies can be found if they do. Apparently there is a caretaker of the forest that has become a sort of guide for the lost souls. He talks to them, and tries to talk them out of it, but doesn't always succeed.
This isn't going to be noticed by anyone. I'm not going to post it on facebook. I need help. Why can'y I get help?