Losing Friends and Acquaintances.

FIRST. This is not a "woe is me, feel bad for me, I have no friends" post.
SECOND. You can look back to this post to see my explanation of how friendship kind of works in my head.

Moving on.

I went on kind of an unfriending spree this week on Facebook. I won't go over who I deleted, but I will say that I'm wrestling with it.

Myself, I get too emotional about this shit. Just last night, I saw that someone I knew (in person and on the internet; they live in a different state and we met on a website; we've met in person twice) had unfriended me. I no idea how long ago it was, what I did wrong, or if they even had a reason. Maybe they were just culling the herd.

But the thing is, is on a different website, this person is super-friendly to me. I sent a message and asked if they knew who I was, since my real name is not shown there. I guess they know who I am, but I haven't gotten an explanation as to why they have "unfriended" me on other websites. Not that they owe me an explanation. It's my insecurity, not theirs.

I will/would gladly tell those whom I have unfriended what their sin against me was. If they're interested.

But this is starting to make me re-think the whole "internet friends are real friends" idea. I have people out there that I think I will be in touch with for a long time. But then, the person above was one of those people. And something unknown happened.

I'm not beating myself up over this, but I have a problem. I really do invest myself in too many people. I know that's like someone whining that they are too beautiful or they have too much time on their hands. But I do say too much to too many and expect too much in return.

It's hard to convey exact meaning on the internet. We try to explain ourselves as best as we can, when we care, but it seems that the shit always ends up hitting the fan at some point. Some grievance will be committed, someone will completely (and vociferously) disagree with you, and things will fall apart.

Is it even worth having friendships?

Online

If it weren't for the internet, a lot of things would be different. On the social side of things, I would have about 5 friends. (Whether or not I purposely distanced myself from IRL friends is another post)

So often, I hear things like "Online friends don't count" and "You can't really know a person unless you know them in person." On the other hand, I also hear a lot of what I said in my first couple of lines: "Online friends are real friends," "I love my online friends," and "the people I know on the internet are awesome."

The first set of statements is over-generalizing and too all-inclusive. The second set is generous. But, then, I suppose it all depends on your definition of "friend."

Oh, cyberbullying. It's so easy. You just sit down, decide you're right about everything, and type away. Like pretty much everyone on the internet, I have been on both ends of bullying on the internet. Recently, I've been trying to keep more to myself because of an incident that happened last summer on a crafting website's forum. I shared too much and someone decided to shame me for it. Endlessly.

Well friends, I stepped in it again. I asked for advice on the same forum-- in the same place as last time-- and got burned. This time, I asked for help in writing up an assignment for my lit class on fan fiction. The assignment is for the student to write a short piece of fan fiction while including some of the tenants of fiction we cover in the textbook. I thought it was a cute and fun activity-- it gets the student away from writing a boring old term paper that they probably won't enjoy.

I have done this before. I did it last year and had an expert come into the class and speak to them about writing fan fiction. This year, since I have such an early class, I didn't ask the expert to return because I didn't want to inconvenience her. So, I asked the internet.

Big mistake.

Most of the responses were warning me about copyright issues, which I hadn't thought of. That was helpful.

A few were very supportive and offered to help me form a good, solid overview of the beginnings of the subject.

But most were scathing: "Why would you teach something you obviously know nothing about?" "I can't figure out why you would pursue this subject as an assignment." "This is really not thought-through at all. You should consider changing your syllabus."

I'm paraphrasing, and I know that people from the website will read this and want to compare to the original post. For the record, the last one was from a private message sent through that website.

Maybe I'm crying "Wolf!" here. Much, much, MUCH worse happens every day. And I can't go all "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" because I just can't. This is a forum that has 12,000 members. I should have known better. I shouldn't have asked for advice. I knew what was going to happen. Sort of.

When I started the thread, I really really thought that I would get some good input on how to write fan fiction  and how to convey it to my students. I didn't expect a parade. I didn't think people were going to come out of the woodwork to tell me that I was the most insightful and entrepreneurial teacher ever. I honestly thought I would get advice.

This has, of course, bummed me out. I feel defeated and deflated. I feel like never going back to that forum again.

I can't ask: "Why are people so much different on the internet than they are in person?" because I know the answer. No one is held accountable for being mean. The mods on the board I am talking about are amazing. They really are. They have so much more to deal with than my petty squabbles over a lesson plan and a handful of people sharing their opinions in a blunt and destructive way. But I asked them to shut the thread down, which they did in a timely manner. For that, I thank(ed) them. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. 

More than 70% of my Facebook friends list is made up of people I know strictly from this group. But I don't have all 12k of them as friends. Does that make those that are my "friends" any less valuable? I want to think no, but every time I get a little hurt, I withdraw a little more. I'm a pussy. I've said this countless times. When it comes to being social and nice and buddy buddy, most of the time I just can't do it.

So, am I a coward? Am I a social deviant? Do I suck at being a friend? I do consider my online friends to be just as real as my 5 "real life" friends.But at some point, I'm going to disagree with them.

But I come back with the belief that everyone I love is gonna leave me.

It's work(ing) again.

I'm trying really hard to get into "American Gods" by Neil Gaiman. I'm on page 63, and it's really really odd for me not to just devour any book that is put in front of me.  I've been trying for 3 days now, and it's just not grabbing me. What's this business with the man getting sucked into that chick's vagina? I mean... really. And the dead wife? Suddenly I'm like on a Nordic ship or something? Tell me it will even out and make sense because right now, I'm about to give up.

Today I cleaned Steven's house for the first time. It's so nice to move about in a fully air-conditioned house. Frank kept trying to eat (no, really, BITING) the vacuum cleaner. Aside from that, there were no hangups or anything. We are also boarding Frank and Herma this weekend since Steven will be camping. I really really wanted to go, as I haven't been properly camping since that awful week in Florida the month I turned 20. Ugh. But really, I love camping. However, I have to work.

Speaking of work, the adjuncts got a nice nasty email from the new Dean, who my students are calling "The Trunchbull," but I am starting to refer to as "Umbridge." One, no letting class out early. Like I do that anyway. Any of my students will tell you that I am super strict, down to the second, about what time I let them go. Second, no talking about suicide, death, or drugs in class. : / I'm pretty sure I can avoid the subjects, as I'm really just doing composition, but it's still kind of annoying being told what I can and cannot do. Three, even though classes are only 11 weeks, I am expected to keep my students for the full 3 hours during week 12 (finals week). I had something in the back of my mind trying to stretch out the time, but I really cannot guarantee that they will stay the whole time. They are adults, for fuck's sake. If they feel like they are done, they are done. And as it's the last "class" of the semester, they ARE done. Finally, something about failure advising. This one gets my goat more than the rest combined.

I need to tell a handful of students that they are failing and advise them as to what to do about it. I'm getting fussed at constantly about not doing this and not documenting it in our system. Guys. What can I do? How do I tell a student he/she is failing if I never see them? Call them? Leave a message since none are answering? Email? Fuck if I know. What it really bothering me here I think is that no one told me that this was something I needed to do. Apparently it was a mid-term thing, and we are going into week 9 now I think. How can I do what I'm supposed to do if I don't know that I am supposed to do it?

Things are starting to look a little up. I sincerely look forward to Radford starting. I will be so busy this semester, but I think it's for the best. It's less time for me to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I'm quite curious about how many classes I will be getting at ITT. If I get something similar to this quarter, September-December will look as such:

M: (RU) 11am-4pm (ITT) 6-10:30
T: (RU) 5-6:15 pm
W: (RU) 11am-4pm
R: Steven 10-12 (RU) 5-6:15 pm
F: (RU) 11-4 (ITT) 6-10:30
Sa: (ITT) 9am-1pm
Su: Dead.

It's worth it though. I work best when I am obligated and busy. I haven't missed a day at ITT because I know how important it is that I be there. There have been days that I could have called in; should have called in. See also: my fucked up face from eczema. I'm going to make sure all my shit is in order for Radford. Last semester I was plagued with a terrible classroom (fucking trailers) and electronics that were constantly out of order. This semester, I'm going to make sure all of my stuff is up on D2L early and that my students are sure of every single thing that's going on. I will answer my emails as best I can. I will probably stay in my office hours longer than I advertise. I will grade things as soon as they come across my desk. I am going to do all these things because I must, and I want to.

That's all I've got now.

Thank you for working

I'm pretty tired. Yesterday, as I mentioned, was unusually productive. Today was a different story.

I woke up at 7 am, then went back to sleep at 9 or so, slept until 2:30. I think I fell asleep at 1 or so last night. Today, I am struggling.

Not a whole lot got done. I wanted to lay out in the sun and hopefully dry up some of my sucking eczema wounds, but it was overcast all day. After it finally rained, Amelia and I went outside to play fetch. She had been whining all night even after being taken out, and I couldn't figure out why. Turns out she needed to pee (as dogs tend to do...). I asked Andy to join us:

She is still kind of... special... when it comes to playing fetch. She would much rather chew on the ball until she has consumed more than half of it and I finally notice that she's going to be pooping rubber soon. She will bring it back eventually, but you have to really whistle like hell at her. As the video indicates, Ein was outside with us but he chose not to participate. Amy tends to beat up on Ein, so he stays well clear of her.

Of course Amy ended up losing the damn ball.

I ventured over to the crabapple tree, whose fruit are turning a glorious crimson, to sample the crop. At this point, they actually taste kind of good. A little starchy, but good for a tiny, slightly sweet snack.

The grapes are also starting to turn colours. The green is giving way to purple, but they are a little hard to get to right now because of the weeds and such. I was out there barefoot, so I'll probably end up with hookworm or something.

Two more tomatoes were ready to slip off the vine today. I think another watermelon is starting to succumb to rot of some sort. Sigh. I know this is my first year with a proper garden, but I can't help but be disappointed in my crop.

I peeled Andy's turnips for his eventual lunch time snacks. That was a lot more tedious than I had imagined. I don't much care for turnips. I'm rambling.

I got a round-robin moleskine from the Pen Fetish Crafters group on ravelry today. Despite filling up a while page, I wrote basically nothing. That might be a good summary of my life. My pen isn't drying as quickly as I thought it would, so I can't go to the next page yet. 

That's really been my day. Tomorrow, I start cleaning Steven's house and I will be boarding his dogs this weekend too. Frank, the aggressive corgi, is a bit of a worry. Herma on the other hand isn't so much. She's a fun dog.

I'm rambling more. My sentences are getting short and my eyes are starting to blur. I had all this stuff to say an hour ago, but blogspot was down, so I couldn't write. I'm not a fan of copying and pasting. Urgh.